


Dear diary

by Solanimexyaoi



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Bill Denbrough & Richie Tozier Are Best Friends, Bill Denbrough is a Good Friend, Bisexual Bill Denbrough, Bisexual Stanley Uris, Coming Out, Diary/Journal, Eddie Kaspbrak & Stanley Uris Are Best Friends, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, F/M, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, Horny Teenagers, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Minor Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Minor Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Moving In Together, Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Stanley Uris Loves Bill Denbrough, Stanley Uris is a Good Friend, Swearing, Wet Dream
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:54:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23017360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solanimexyaoi/pseuds/Solanimexyaoi
Summary: Eddie goes through an old box of books that he had forgotten he had when he’s packing to move in with his boyfriend, Richie.Unbeknownst to him, the books bring back a lot more memories then he was expectingOrEddie wrote journals when he was a teenager about pining for Richie and dealing with Derry’s homophobia
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Kudos: 12





	1. Dusty old books

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that this doesn’t follow any of the canon timelines.  
> In this timeline Eddie was born 1982 so Eddie would be 38 now.  
> This takes place when Eddie was 35 so in 2017.  
> I changed the timeline so that it would be easier for me to write.  
> Also the rating is because of mentioned sex but it’s not detailed although that might change in further chapters

Eddie coughed as he dusted of one of the few boxes left, it was small and clearly hadn’t been touched in a while at least according to the amount of dust that had gathered on top of it.  
Once he opened the box, he found seven red journals with the side facing up.  
He picked up one that said ‘Eddie Kaspbrak 1998’ in big cursive letters, Eddie smiled as he picked up. It was his old journal, he had started writing them when he turned 12 but stoped some time after 19.  
This one was written 1998 so he had been 16? Maybe 17?  
Eddie sat him self down on the floor of the storage room and looked for the one marked earliest.

1995


	2. Maybe I'm just a little gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie reads his journal from when he was 13 and remembers his first sexual awakening amd all the hopeless pining for one Richie Toizer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the purpose of this story i put Eddie's birthday on November 3rd because his birthday is in November but we don't know the date and on the missing poster his birthday is September 3rd
> 
> I hope you like it

Eddie picked up the bookmarked 1995 and started reading, most of it was boring and cliche but there were a few pages that he stuck on.

“November 4th 1994  
Dear diary  
This is kind of my first diary or journal or whatever i should call it.  
Bill gave me this for my 13th birthday yesterday, It's nice and it has more than enough pages for a whole year or two.

Writing isn't really my thing, it's more Bill's thing but i guess i could try.”

“November 17th 1994

I forgot I was writing this. Anyway, Richie is such a dick sometimes, he won't shut up with his stupid jokes and teasing and sure we're good friends but he's really testing the waters with your mom jokes. It's really annoying.  
At least Stan finds it annoying to so I don't have to suffer alone. Bill doesn't seem like he cares.“

“January 12th 1995  
Dear diary  
Today Richie wouldn't stop joking about me being cute. I swear just because I'm shorter then everyone else doesn't mean that he can just tease me for that, I'm average height! He's just ridiculously tall, i mean have you seen his legs? They're fucking long as hell but they're really thin too. It doesn't make any sense, he eats like a dog, he doesn't even eat healthy stuff either but he never gains weight. I mean what the actual fuck?! Maybe instead of gaining weight he just grows taller, like a plant. Stan says it's because he has a high metabolism, that would also explain all that energy.  
He kept saying stuff like, "if I wasn't already planning a wedding for me and your mom, I'd marry you right here and now Eddie spaghetti". First of all, Fuck you for joking about my mom for the millionth time this hour, Second of all why would I marry you, I'm not gay or whatever and third of all what the fuck is up with that nickname?  
Eddie Spaghetti, I mean Eddie is already a nickname and I thought Eds was bad but that's fucking hideous.  
My only conclusion is that Richie Trashmouth Tozier is a dickhead and that none of his actions can be logically explained but i think i like that”

Eddie laughed a little as he read that because oh boy was younger Eddie wrong about a lot of stuff but one thing was true and that was that Richie Trashmouth Tozier was and will always be an absolute Dickhead who was the complete opposite of logical.

“January 13th 1995  
The dickhead finally came up with something worse, he calls me Eds spaghetti and spaghetti head He was w. God, he's an idiot.”

“March 23rd 1995  
Dear diary  
Bill invited us all to a sleepover but had to cancel because Georgie got sick so we went to Richie's instead, his parents are so nice! Especially Maggie although she does pay a lot of attention to Bev when we hang out there. Richie once told me his mom had always wanted a daughter so i guess that makes sense. Wentworth is nice too, but he must be the only person in the whole world who actually finds Richie's voices funny. He's probably the one encouraging him to do more, which i gotta say i don't know if i enjoy but at least they're nice. His parents, not the voices.  
Mom didn't really want me to come because there's so many of us and she doesn't like the idea of me hanging out with Bev, which is stupid because she's as much of a loser as the rest of us even if she's a girl.  
Mom doesn't like Richie either but she lets me hang out with him because Dad used to know the Toizers.  
I and Richie shared a mattress, even if everyone insisted he should get to sleep in the pullout couch, he said he didn't like it though and explained that i was the only one small enough to share it with, which is bullshit because it's a queen-sized mattress and it almost swallowed us whole when we slept there, Ben, Mike and Bev slept in the pull out crouch and Bill and Stan shared another mattress.  
I think Bill might like Stan, i mean i know he had that whole thing with Bev but Bev is clearly not interested anymore and Bill didn't seem that hung up on it at all... Maybe?  
when i woke up Richie had wrapped his arms around me so tightly that I couldn't move, my heart was beating out of my chest and I desperately wanted to get out of there before it got weird but it felt so nice and if i moved he would wake up and then it would be weirder.  
I ended up basking in it until he woke up and then pretending to be asleep, he didn't seem bothered about it.  
I think i might like him.”

“May 27th 1995  
Stan figured out that i like Richie, he told me he's not disgusted or anything and that he's gay too or at least bisexual. I didn't know what that was, it means you like both boys and girls. I think I'm bisexual, I mean i used to have a little crush on Greta which was stupid because she's not very nice but i really like Richie.  
Stan likes Bill, it seems like everyone does, i think i did too for a little bit but that's fair because Bill is really cool and nice and a pretty good leader even if he can be kinda scary sometimes. I think he likes Stan back but I'm too afraid to ask him or tell Stan that in case he gets his hopes up, I wouldn't like it if someone told me Richie might like me and then find out he didn't.  
I and Stan talked for hours. About this, about Bowers, he taught me a couple of bird names and i helped him with a puzzle, it was calming. Stan is nice, a little rough around the edges sometimes but really nice and he kinda has this calm no-nonsense feel to him but then when he cracks a joke he's really funny. I think it's because you really don't expect it.”

“June 2nd 1995 

We helped a boy named Ben today, he had been attacked my Bowers they even carved an H on his stomach. He's a little overweight but he's really sweet, he's new in town though and I've never seen him before. We don't get a lot of new people around here. Beverly Marsh helped us steal medical supplies because we didn't have enough money to pay for it all. I heard rumours that she's a whore but i don't think that's true anymore, she seemed nice”

”July 3rd 1995  
Dear journal (I decided it was lame to call it a diary)  
Henry Bowers attacked me today, I was alone on my way to the clubhouse when he jumped me. He called me wheezy and a girly boy, then when i told him to leave me alone he grabbed the front of my shirt and slammed me against the ground, he called me a fag and told me i should run along to my boyfriend. I don't really know what he means by that but i left pretty quickly after that, I tried using my inhaler but forgot that i left it at home and that it wasn't even real. 

I ran the rest of the way to the clubhouse so that none of Bowers goons would follow me. I'm surprisingly fast considering mom never let me run.  
But When i got there the rest of losers were already there. They were all pretty worried but none of them questioned me. I'm kinda glad, I don't know what i would tell them, that Henry Bowers beat me up because he thinks I'm gay? That he's probably right? “

“July 17th 1995  
Dear Journal  
I think i might have just had an incredibly inappropriate dream about Richie.  
Not that anything about Richie is appropriate but this was downright disgusting. We were at the quarry with the rest of the losers. We were only in our underwear and then the losers were gone and it was just us.  
I suddenly reached up and grabbed his face and then i kissed him! He deepened the kissed and even groaned into it and one of his hands were on my hips and the other one on my ass and I liked it, I really fucking liked it but it's wrong and gross and mom would kill me if she knew.  
I woke up with an erection. and i can't stop thinking about the stupid dream.  
Mom would think i was sick and Richie. Richie would think i was disgusting and he'd never talk to me again. I can't lose Richie, he may be annoying but he's my best friend. I'm not even his best friend though, that's Bill and Bill's cool and all like he's really cool. Coolest of us all probably but i can't help but feel just a little jealous that they know everything about each other and I don't.  
Richie is so goofy and obnoxious and he's really smart. But sometimes he's so weird. He calls me chuckalicous sometimes which can't be a real word right? My point is that i think i like him.”

“August 15th 1995  
Help me Journal  
It's been a month and I still get these dreams and they only get worse and worse. Last night i dreamt we had sex in his room, gay penetrative sex and I still feel so gross, he's my friend! I shouldn't be thinking of him like this!  
What if someone found out?  
Bowers would kill me if he knew i was actually gay, Mom would think i was sick and never let me out, the losers might leave me, they probably don't want to hang out with a fag like me  
And if Richie knew...  
I couldn't live with my self if I forced him away because of this, he would think i was disgusting, perverted  
and sick. 

Maybe I am sick

But i can't let anyone know that. I don't think i should have this out in the open, I'll find somewhere to hide this.”

"September 7th 1995 

The dreams still haven’t stopped but i found a little box that i could hide the book in. If it covers the book with some clothes and put them in my closet then it shouldn’t be a problem. It’s not like mom goes through my closet anymore, she knows i keep it organized and the loser doesn’t have a reason to look in there anyway.

School started not too long ago, everything is normal. We get through the day, maybe get tormented by Bowers and then we head to someone’s house or the clubhouse. Ben fixed it up a little and it’s not as dirty anymore since Stan and I cleaned. The others helped but it was my idea and Stan and I did most of the work. The clubhouse is actually really nice now, we fixed the pillars and some of the furniture.  
Bill brought his old boombox and a couple of CDs and we all brought some pillows and blankets, Stan brought an old bookcase his parents weren’t using and we managed to Scrap some more furniture"

"October 1st 1995

Today Richie wore contact lenses instead of glasses because Bowers broke them last month, he had been wearing his old glasses with the wrong subscription, which I kept telling him was stupid because he's gonna get migrate and his eyesight is gonna get worse but I guess he didn't really have a choice. 

He was kinda cute but it was weird seeing him without the glasses. I think I got used to it after our first class though.

He kept playing with his hair and biting his pens in math class. ugh, he's kinda pretty when he's not running his mouth, which isn't a lot.  
Actually, I take that back he's always cute but he's just really annoying when he's talking but he's sweet sometimes too.  
I mean I think I've kind of grown on all the nicknames but Richie doesn't need to know that." "November 1st 1995 We had a sleepover at Ben's yesterday, his parents weren't home so we watched horror movies all night long. It was kinda scary but I got to cuddle up to Richie. To be fair I don't think he noticed or cared, he thought I was half asleep when I did it but he put his arm around me and his head on my shoulder. I think Stan and Bev noticed that it was on purpose though because they wouldn't stop smirking at me. I know Richie noticed didn't anything. I wonder why?" "November 3rd 1995 It's already my Birthday again, I can't believe it's been a year already since I started writing this, a lot has happened but the book is almost full, I'll have to get another."


End file.
